When geeky isn’t geeky enough

  • Fact: I am a geek.

This isn’t a fact that’s debatable. I’ve always been a geek. I love Doctor Who, Stargate, comics, computers, numbers, science, and so many more typically geeky things.

  • Possible Fact: I’m  too much of a geek to completely fit into the non-geek world.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been an outsider in a community full of “normal” people. Or at least people who see themselves as normal. And those people have made it very obvious that my geekiness isn’t wanted. My math t-shirts get strange looks, no one wants to discuss books I’ve read, and mentioning conventions means being made fun of for weeks.

I can’t hold a conversation about music or reality tv, I have no desire to discuss which of the boys in the mall is the hottest, and if you mention fashion, expect a blank stare.

And I’m perfectly okay with not being “normal.” Why would I want to be just like everyone else?

  • Possible Fact: I’m not geeky enough to be fully accepted by the geeks.

I have a lot of friends who are geeks of various sorts. People I can talk to about the tiny nuances of books I read or tv shows I watch, who don’t give me confused stares when I refer to numbers as beautiful, and who not only like my t-shirts, but threaten to steal them from me.

But I also know geeks who look at me and see a girl who’s trying too hard. Even though I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t a geek, I can’t prove that to people who see someone who’s good with people, can deal with the public, and doesn’t always visibly show their geek side.

And when I was invited to a local science-fiction group meeting, I didn’t go. Maybe it’s just my uncertainty showing, but I’m scared that it will be another place that I think I’ll fit into, that I should fit into, and not. It’s happened before, it’ll happen again. I somehow manage to straddle the line between geek and “normal,” and never quite fit into either.

  • Fact: Sometimes geeky just isn’t geeky enough.
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